


Galleria

by ckret2



Category: Invader Zim
Genre: Comedy outweighs plot 10 to 1, Gen, Humor, Irken Empire (Invader Zim), Irkens are Terrible (Invader Zim), Making Fun Of Capitalism, Shopping, Shopping Malls, The Almighty Tallest Being Assholes (Invader Zim), The Author Waxes Poetic About Horrible Irken Shopping Centers, Worldbuilding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-12
Updated: 2021-02-12
Packaged: 2021-03-12 15:34:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,419
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29387067
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ckret2/pseuds/ckret2
Summary: It was the only solar system-sized shopping center in the universe. The crown jewel of the system, of course, was Foodcourtia—the treasure of the Irken Empire. But Foodcourtia was only one planet. There were four other planets in the system, four branches to a vast shopping system; each world a sprawling, soaring, breathtaking cathedral dedicated to capitalism, commercialism, and consumerism.Among them was Galleria. No good nor service in the empire was unavailable on Galleria. Every single conceivable demand could find its corresponding supply. As its rigorously focus-group-tested slogan boasted:G“ALL”ERIA CONTAINSALL!"I'm bored," Purple groaned.Red finished slurping down his smoothie before replying, "Yeah, this planet sucks. We should've gone to Outlettia."
Relationships: Almighty Tallest Purple & Almighty Tallest Red
Comments: 5
Kudos: 20





	Galleria

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was inspired by [the Invader Zim show bible](https://ckret2.tumblr.com/post/189441419112/the-invader-zim-show-bible-back-story-and-the), which describes the original concept for _Invader Zim_... and happens to mention that Foodcourtia is part of a shopping mall solar system (which promptly [blew my mind](https://ckret2.tumblr.com/post/189442213792/hey-puff-how-are-you-handling-the-revelation-that)). This is the second of two stories I originally wrote for [I AM ZIM](https://invaderzine.tumblr.com/), an Invader Zim zine. The other one is about Dib, Prof. Membrane, and Agent Darkbootie and can be found [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27234151)!

It was the only solar system-sized shopping center in the universe.

The crown jewel of the system, of course, was Foodcourtia—the treasure of the Irken Empire. Far from the most important planet, but uncontested as the most beloved besides dear Irk itself. Millions of miles of streets and walkways weaving between restaurants serving every cuisine the Irken Empire knew about, and—in some street carts, dive bars, and underground diners—even a few they didn't know about. Aliens from across the galaxy, even those that detested the Irkens, would make trips just to witness the mingled glory and grime of this culinary marvel.

And maybe have a bite to eat before leaving.

There were medical kiosks on nearly every corner where alien visitors could get their anatomy scanned and receive a custom list of nearby restaurants serving cuisine that wouldn't be toxic to their systems. The biomedical scans were offered by the Irken Empire, free of charge. All the empire received in return for this wholly charitable service was the aliens' complete biological profiles, which they stored safely within vast data caches in the Control Brains where they definitely wouldn't be used for any nefarious or imperialist purposes.

But Foodcourtia was only one planet.

There were four other planets in the system, four branches to a vast shopping system; each world a sprawling, soaring, breathtaking cathedral dedicated to capitalism, commercialism, and consumerism.

There were the broad-open skies, the cracked and burned parking lots dozens of acres wide, and the massive warehouses mingled with walkway-crisscrossed strip malls of Outlettia, circling at the far edge of the solar system's habitable zone, the only world in the system cheap enough that a Service Drone meandering around a messy bargain bin was as likely to be a customer as an employee.

The mixed-use buildings—retail storefronts on street level and above them luxury apartments rented by the empire's highest citizens—that won architectural awards across the empire and that made Boutiquia the first name every Irken thought of when they dreamed of owning a home outside of military barracks or company dormitories.

The millions of mingled alien communities forcibly exiled from their worlds by the empire (including the native people of Outlettia) in neighborhoods that consisted of buildings packed so closely they'd become one building, layered with residential spaces on the dark ground levels, the community's own shopping centers in the middle, and stores catering to tourists (mostly Irken) looking for something "exotic" on the top floors, packed together over the mountains and deep in the canyons of Bazaaria.

And there was Galleria.

Galleria was a semi-subterranean palace. Leaning over the railways of its glittering walkways let one look up and down to identical walkways stacked hundreds of stories high, and regardless of whether sunshine or starlight was visible through the crystal skylights high above, the walkways were always illuminated in golden, rosy, and icy lights. On the world's surface, vast metal flying buttresses supported the glassy skyscrapers that periodically studded the planet's surface. Atop these elegant towers were gaudy neon signs projecting the names of the luxury hotels and upscale anchor stores contained within. The neon signs valiantly fought to remain bright enough to be seen above the advertisements that lay on the flat plains below the towers, horizontal billboard covering hundreds of square miles and designed to be seen from low orbit. The only people who walked the surface were the employees going to and from work; they lived in glass-fronted apartment units converted from storefronts in parts of the global mall hat had been abandoned and shut down to the customers, the architecture eerily identical to their workplaces but the outdated interior design reflecting the aesthetics of the Irken shopping centers of two hundred years ago.

Every object one could ever desire—video games, furniture, novelty gag gifts, deep fryers, jewel-encrusted statues, WMDs, exotic pets, specialty candies—could be purchased at one of Galleria's countless storefronts. Every pleasure that could be perilously squeezed indoors—movie theaters, massages, arcades, carousels, roller skating, roller coasters—could be found somewhere in its endless byzantine corridors. There was no good nor service in the empire that was unavailable on Galleria. Every single conceivable demand could find its corresponding supply. As its rigorously focus-group-tested slogan boasted on gaudy advertisements broadcast across thousands of star systems: _G“ **ALL** ”ERIA CONTAINS **ALL**!_

"I'm bored," Purple groaned. His forehead was pressed to the clear crystal windows surrounding the elevator, watching pale rainbows bend around the passing floors as the lights refracted through the crystal window.

Red finished slurping down the rest of his chocolate smoothie before replying, "Yeah, this planet sucks. We should've gone to Outlettia."

Purple scoffed, turning away from the window. "Maybe when we were this tall." He held up a hand to his waist. "I wouldn't be caught _dead_ there now. We should've stuck with online shopping."

" _Seriously?_ " Red considered chucking his empty styrofoam cup at Purple, narrowly reconsidered, and chucked it to the floor instead. " _You're_ the one who said you can't buy a new blanket if you can't feel it!"

"I _can't!_ " Purple insisted. "You've gotta _touch_ it to see how fluffy it is! The pictures lie! But I could've just, y'know, bought a hundred and sent back the ones I don't like."

"Ugh. Well, we're here now. And the Massive's never gonna be this close to Galleria again, so—"

"Yeah, yeah, I know. Make the most of it." Purple sighed heavily. He watched in vague disinterest as cleaning nanites swarmed out of the gaps in the elevator's tile floor in a pile of mobile ruby red dust, devoured the cup, and disappeared again. Then the floor itself caught his attention. He glanced at Red's feet to confirm before he said, "Hey. We're floating higher than usual."

"Oh, yeah, s'because we're so close to the core. Gravity's lower," Red said. "Hey, cool fact, we're actually close enough to the core that you'll keep floating if you turn your levitation belt off."

"Really?

"Yeah, mine's off right now."

There was a moment of thoughtful silence. And then Purple's feet landed heavily on the floor, he lost his balance, and he toppled onto his butt. "OW!"

Red laughed so hard he had to lean on the window for balance.

"You're a jerk!" Purple grabbed Red's belt and yanked him hard as he tugged himself back up to his feet. "I'm gonna get you back. Just you wait." He turned his belt back on.

When the elevator stopped, they waited impatiently until their six bodyguards tumbled out of the door to the emergency stairwell, and then continued onward, looking for the next store that seemed likely to carry blankets.

###

They got distracted by a store selling fancy-smelling soaps.

Purple held one scrub up next to his antenna, screwed up his face, and turned to yell across the store, "Hey! This one smells like, uhhh. I dunno. Nasty alien booty or something. Come smell it." As Red crossed the store to smell, dozen customers craned their necks to see which soap the Almighty Tallest had declared nasty. The store owner stood in the corner and watched in despair.

Red screwed up his face. "Oh, yeah, that's gross. Hey, try this one." He held up a bottle of lotion with the top screwed off. Purple made an exaggerated gagging sound. The store owner buried his face in his hands.

"This whole store's gross," Purple said. "And there's no blankets here. C'mon, let's go."

" _Right._ " Red followed Purple out onto the walkway. "We were looking for blankets. We should focus on—hey!" He pointed. "That store's selling balloon animals!"

"So?"

"They've got—" Red gestured wildly. "They're using—What's that word for the thing where two colors blend into each other?"

"Ombré?"

"They have _ombré balloons!_ "

"No way! That's really cool!"

Whooping in excitement, they sped over to their next distraction.

###

"There's the universe's largest underground Ferris wheel," Red said, looking through a brochure of nearby features as they rode down an escalator.

"Ferris wheels are dumb," Purple said, rummaging through the bag of dashboard ornaments they'd bought for the Massive. "Whaddaya do, go up and down? _Pfff._ We can do that in an elevator."

"Yeah. I guess so." Red tried to hide his disappointment as he glanced at the next item in the brochure.

"And the view would be stupid. All we'd see would be more stores." Purple found his target—a bobble head figurine of Red—took it out of its box, and poked it feet first against Red's cheek. "Hey. Stop kicking yourself. Stop kicking yourself."

"Ow, hey, stop—Where's yours? Give me that bag—"

"Nuh-uh, I'm the ornament keeper! We agreed!"

"We didn't agree on anything, hand it over—"

"No! This is for making me fall!"

They reached the bottom of the escalator as they started squabbling and didn't move once their levitation belts carried them just past the bottom step. A shorter Irken coming up behind them backed up a step, nervously looked at the Tallest, and then tried to squeeze past them.

Red felt the shorter Irken bump into his skirt and gave him a withering look. "Do you _mind?_ "

"Sorry!" He backed up—and kept backing up, trying to avoid the bottom step of the escalator.

"Hey!" Purple said. "Hey, what are we doing just wandering around, huh?"

Flatly, Red said, "Looking for blankets?"

"No, I—shut up—I know _that,_ but what are we doing wandering around looking for blankets? We're Tallest. We shouldn't have to put in effort. The blankets should be coming to _us._ "

Red frowned. "Hey... you've got a point."

The Irken behind them backed into another Irken in his attempts to back up, almost knocking them both over. The one behind him shoved him forward. He almost stumbled off the bottom of the escalator, then got up on his Pak legs and more forcefully backed up, taking the Irken behind him with him.

"Yeah," Purple said, "we should make an announcement, like, uhh, 'the Tallest are here next to the...'" he looked around, "'next to the store with the really ugly lamps—'"

"We should go back to the popcorn cart."

"Okay, sure. 'They're next to the popcorn cart, uh, come bring them your fanciest blankets to choose from.'"

"I like it." Red nodded. "It's a good plan."

The Irken trying desperately not to bump into the Tallest again was barely holding back twenty Irkens as the escalator inexorably dragged them toward the bottom. A twenty-first Irken, busy trying to read the tiny expiration dates off a bundle of coupons, got on at the top of the escalator without noticing the traffic jam below.

The bottom Irken's trembling Pak legs gave out. The entire crowd tumbled down, spilling out the bottom of the escalator and crashing into the Tallest.

There were yelps, wails, and crashes.

And then deadly, terrifying silence.

The Tallest emerged from the pile, Red carrying the Irken who'd been at the bottom of the pile by the collar. " _You_ again."

"My Tallest, I'm so sorry, I tried not to—"

"Uh-uh-uh." Red waved a finger in his face. "No talking. Your talking rights have been revoked." He looked at Purple. "Whaddaya think?"

"Oh, _definitely_ execution," Purple said. "But I don't wanna haul him all the way back to the Massive so we can chuck him out an airlock."

Red pointed. "I saw a mall kiosk back that way selling guillotines."

"Oh, nice."

The unfortunate troublemaker's eyes welled up with tears. They hovered that way, Red holding out the soon-to-be-executed Irken at arm's length.

Purple inspected their bag of dash ornaments for damage, fished out Red's, and laughed. "Hey, check it out. You're dead." The head of the figurine had been knocked off, leaving behind nothing but a spring.

"Aw, nuts."

The doomed Irken looked at the decapitated figurine and fainted.

###

The Tallest were lounging in the middle of a ground floor hallway on lawn chairs they'd borrowed from a nearby store. They were also wearing two pairs of sunglasses they'd borrowed from the same store. Except they didn't plan to give the sunglasses back. So it was more like they stole them. They were splitting a bag of popcorn.

Around them, a riot was raging.

Blood was spilled and bones were broken. A kiosk burned. Screams drowned out the tinny laid-back mall muzak. Blankets in various states of shredding and incineration flew everywhere.

Purple swallowed a mouthful of caramel popcorn and said, "I take it back. Galleria's pretty great."

With a barbaric scream, one of the many fighting vendors leaped off the railing from the next floor up, parachuted down with a blanket, and kicked a business rival. He ripped a length of the blanket binding off of the border, used it to garrote another vendor, and then stood before the Tallest, snarling and raising his hands triumphantly.

"Ooooh." Purple and Red both clapped appreciatively.

The victorious combatant roared.

"I like his attitude," Purple said.

"Who do you represent, soldier?" Red asked.

"Sir! I am a floor salesperson at Snickerdoodle's Home Goods, _sir!_ "

Head raised high and eyes half-lidded, Purple asked imperiously, "And that blanket of yours. How cozy is it?"

"It's the coziest blanket you'll find this side of Vort, _sir!_ "

"That's pretty cozy," Red said.

Purple reached out, felt the fabric, and said, "Very well. I shall give my patronage to Snickerdoodle's." He paused. "Do you have a blanket that isn't ripped?"

"Oh." Snickerdoodle's salesperson looked down at the torn blanket binding. "I'm gonna get fired for this."

The Tallest snickered.

###

"We should go shopping like that every time," Purple said, voice muffled by the blanket he had his face pressed into.

"Oh, yeah, definitely. We should make a law about it or something."

The elevator carrying them the many miles up through Galleria's glittering tiers finally slowed to a stop, and the Tallest hovered out on the ground floor to wait.

"Whaddaya think it should be?" Red asked. "All tall Irkens get to sit around while they get advertised to? Or just us?"

"Just us." Purple had shuffled his blanket on top of his head to serve as a hood. "Tall Irkens are _tall_ and all, but they're not as tall as _us._ "

"Good point."

The staircase door burst open. Their bodyguards, who'd just run up several miles of stairs, tumbled out panting. One collapsed from exhaustion.

Red sneered down at them. "About time."

Purple just shook his head in disappointment.

They hovered for the exit with their bodyguards wearily trudging after them.

**Author's Note:**

> If you enjoyed the fic, I’d appreciate a comment!! This fic has some of my favorite worldbuilding I’ve done in Invader Zim, primarily because I love shopping malls lol. Posts for this fic are also available on [tumblr](https://ckret2.tumblr.com/post/642963741450911744/galleria) and [twitter](https://twitter.com/ckret2/status/1360395292936343552?s=20), reblogs/retweets are highly appreciated!!


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